A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying bastard!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying bastard!" "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

To celebrate the Chinese New Year Here are a few lesser known sayings from the Chinese Philosopher Confucius.:

Confucius say... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Confucius say.. He who lives in glass house, dress in basement
Confucius say...Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Confucius say...Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius sayHe who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius say Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Confucius say a Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Confucius say Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.
Confucius say. Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Confucius say.  He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say. Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius say.  Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius say. He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Confucius say. Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" The mother-in-law asked. “I’m waiting for your son to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law "This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law “But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate you leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "You stupid bastard, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!!!!